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Rock N' Roll Stole My Soul

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(no subject) [May. 5th, 2013|01:54 pm]
Ummm, I got married this weekend! It was AWESOME.
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(no subject) [Jun. 30th, 2012|09:52 pm]
I know that Portland is wayyy too up its own ass, but I aaaaaaalmost think the cool-kid pretention is deserved. The food there was fucking UNREAL (and we had some good grub in Seattle too) - and it's easy to see why. Local/farm-fresh/organic food is SO easily available there and it can be had for almost the same price as GMO/mass market equivalents are in Vancouver.

This vacation really reinforced my vain wish that Cascadia become a reality, and the mighty Pacific Northwestern Tree Octopus may rise to its deserved glory.

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(no subject) [May. 23rd, 2012|09:31 am]
I don't know what my deal is. I feel sad and tired like 70% of the time. I'm frequently irritable. I am... tremendously happy in theory - crazy in love, lucky, safe, privileged. But I'm exhausted and feel pointless so frequently. I feel like a fat sack of shit pretty much constantly (despite losing 10-15lbs in the last few months) and I think "Huh, I could get some exercise" but then my brain tells me that A) I'll hate it and B) I'm not worth it.

I guess I should see someone about it, but it's not all the time? It's not like when I had my year or so of chronic anxiety - that pervaded my life in a way that couldn't be ignored.

Maybe I just feel like I have no right to be depressed, like everyone is going to side eye the everlovin' fuck out of me.
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Oh the things I do, for me and you [Mar. 21st, 2012|09:52 pm]
I really need to get a handle on my guilt issues, which roll very nicely into my affliction with martyr syndrome.

Were my mother to hear me say those words, she would say "Oh, and I'm sure it's all MY fault, isn't it?" with her chuckling self-derision that says "yeah, I know it's totally my fault, and I'm sorry I passed that on to you". Quelle surprise, she feels bad about it.

The woman came up in the corporate world during the second wave of feminism, married a twice-divorced corporate dude with two sons when she was 25 and then had me at 30, jumping back to work no more than three months after I was born. She had to, it was expected of her. She was always doing absolutely everything a person could possibly be expected to do within the context of the western world. She WAS 1980s Business Woman and she was a mom and a stepmom too. She also cooked brilliantly and keeps a spotless house and continues to do so.

It's a lot to live up to.

And I try to do it a lot of the time, people always tell me how much I'm like my mom... I want to be like her. But maybe not in the "do everything for all the people all the time" sense, while still trying to excel at her own personal endeavours. And yet I am constantly comparing myself to her, despite knowing how frustrated and unhappy she often was in her exhaustive attempts to "have it all".

Here's where I start getting uncertain as to which of us I'm talking about. It doesn't matter really, it's both of us and either. There's this perfectionism at the core that has blinders on; it only accepts the absolute best that I can do under the most ideal of circumstances. A good sleep, good nutrition, medium stress level (i.e. a challenge but do-able without huge amounts of gnashing of teeth), and lots of time. I don't have that a lot, but the expectation of perfection, of my constant best remains. "Good enough" never is. And even so, no one else can do it as well as I can, or "the right way". That was always my mom's thing - I wasn't a very clean kid and I fought her on my room and the dishes and everything, but even when I did what she wanted, it wasn't *how* she wanted. And now, I'm exactly the same -- I cannot delegate anything without creating more anxiety than just bloody well doing it myself.

There are loads of times, then, where I don't finish everything on my day's list, where I don't do as well on an exam as I'd hoped, where dinner simply isn't coalescing the way I'd like or I forgot to get some crucial ingredient at the store. And then I feel like a colossal fucking failure that will never succeed at anything. My stress piles on and I lash out at my most beloved people, I resent my partner's ability to give himself permission to slow down, to decompress, to take a sick day without the persistent grinding guilt behind his eyes. I seethe. But really... I just wish I could do that.

I wish I could realize that my "good enough" is. I am aware of my spectacular amount of privileges and that I am actually doing quite well with them -- but other people are doing so much more with so much less and I wonder where I have fucked this up.

Whether it's an errant coffee bean kicked under the lip of a cabinet or a streak on a mirror or a meal that isn't ready or as delicious or I'd hoped...

It sounds like such a feminist nightmare. It is. Why do I do this to myself? Having high expectations for what you can do certainly improves your productivity, but where does it stop? Is it possible to demand a lot from yourself without the disproportionate self-flagellation when you're not totally up to snuff all the time? Is it ever possible just to say "as long as it gets done, it doesn't really matter how it happened"?

I don't know. But I'm so tired, and I'm willing to learn.
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On jumbled feelings about "the wedding" [Jan. 22nd, 2012|12:23 pm]
The love is no secret.

Some people keep the personal private and protected, but that's never been my way. My experience of almost everything consists not only in the experience itself but the social examination after the fact; I relate it to my friends, my family, in explaining it to them, I know it, feel it more.

And so the way I feel about him is, of course, known among those that ought to know.

When I awake, half-cooked from his constant battle to be nearer to me than is actually possible in our bed, I am overcome. My love is fierce and gentle and it churns and burns me up.

I am afraid to love this much; to lose it would empty me out – I'd be field-dressed and hung out and desiccated.

But I can't not.

Because I am not given to entirely private expression, I worry that my public declarations somehow put the message out to the universe that I have too much in my heart and that I don't deserve it. What is more public than a wedding? What could possibly open me up even more to a massive cosmic slap?

There it is though – what is the marriage if the declaration is just the two of us? Given what I know about myself, I need to promise not only myself, not only to him, but to all the people we love. It's trite perhaps, and quite unlike me to hold so tightly to what is arguably an oppressive and certainly archaic ritual.

And yet I do.

My heartstrings I tie not only to his, but to all of the loves in my life and I will say “I promise you, and you, and you, and you...” to never cease loving and learning and teaching and feeding – with the strength of a thousand strings and knots, this web will be our cradle and this will be our life.

And so we will, among our friends and our family.

And an open bar.
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time for a volvo and a re-evaluation of my rrsps [Nov. 21st, 2011|11:31 pm]
I got engaged this weekend. It was totally fucking awesome, I pulled it off looking like the World Champion of Well-Executed Nerdy Romance. I am going to be a wife with a husband in just about a year and a half and that is totally crazy! I couldn't be happier about it, though--we are so utterly well-matched, so on the same page about all that important trivial shit and also huge shit.

I went to Ikea this morning.

I guess this means I am adult now!

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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2011|02:12 pm]
OK, so, I came back. I miss stalking you guys, and I hate not being able to comment on ONTD.

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(no subject) [Nov. 2nd, 2011|05:27 pm]
Hey LJ Land,

I've had this journal for almost 8 years and I basically never use it any more. I get a weird narcissistic shame when I do blog, so I tend to avoid it. I think I'm fascinating, but I highly doubt anyone else would agree.

I'm still Tumblin - and Twitterin' though.

I'll leave this message up for a couple of days, then I'll be deleting my journal entirely.

All sorts of love to all of you.
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Writer's Block: Going boldly [May. 29th, 2011|01:34 pm]

If you could be any Star Trek character, who would you be, and why?

Jadzia Dax FOR SURE, with a little splash of Ezri Dax. Holy shit, I love Star Trek.
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HAY INTERNET [Mar. 31st, 2011|09:14 am]
I have been freakin' busy, friends!

Firstly, school. It takes up the vast majority of my time, I'm going pretty hard this semester and I'm up to my eyeballs in International theory and Canadian social history. Geoology I'm sort of just side-eyeing at this point. Exams are in two weeks and I have a term paper due at the same time. Ergh! I love it though. My brain is always throbbing.

I definitely found it was causing me a lot of stress and anguish, there was no burning off the worry about grades and commitments.

So I went ahead and made another commitment.

I picked up these babies:

With these wheels:

I am officially attending Raw Meat in order to eventually try out for Vancouver's roller derby league! I talked about it months ago and then just sort of fell off. My friend KT goaded me just enough, and I am SO grateful to be pushed into something I think will really work for me. I'm not good at sticking to physical activity. I'm lazy as hell. It has to be fun and challenging, and this really, truly is.

Hell yeah!
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